I debated putting this on the blog. Maybe it is better suited to my personal journal, but I needed to say thank you to a few of you. I also maybe needed a bit free therapy. It is true that time heals your wounds, or at least helps them scab up and scar over. I think more clearly it would be that the perspective of time helps you endure.
We just passed another milestone in the grieving period, Jessa’s due date. A few people have called or emailed. One very dear friend actually remembered her due date. I should have expected that she would. It made my heart melt to see Jessa’s name written by someone else. I plan to be a little more aware of other people’s due dates now because it really did mean so much to get a kind note on that day. Thank you (you know who you are) for the prayers, the concern and just being there. Forgive me for saying it here, but if I call, I’ll cry and I’m done with that.
So we are past that point where we know we should have a baby in our arms. I tired of being sad. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of people worrying for my mental health. I’ll be okay. The okay came with the realization that if I had it to do over again, no baby or almost 19 weeks with Jessa, I would do the same thing. I would do it just to have that small time to see her face, to know she was with us. In that short amount of time, her family loved her, and still does.
Jessa changed each of us. We are more compassionate. We slowed down. I, especially, learned to take in every second with the girls. I still get frustrated. I still have those motherly moments when I wonder how on earth we’ll get through that stage, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that the stage will pass and I will want it back.
Another good friend asked me recently what all this did to my faith. It shook it. That’s as plain as I can say it. Other events happened over the past month that I don’t really want to get into now. (It probably would be a true therapy session.) I was questioning everything. Why would a God who loves me allow me to go through all this? If he was so powerful, why would he let it happen? If he is like a parent, and he knows how much it hurts… I could never do this to my children. I know all things are for a reason. I would like to tell you that I’m in a place where I understand that all is for the good of God. Most days I feel more resigned to God’s will than faithful. That’s starting to turn around. It’s building back up. It happens when I stop and truly recognize even the smallest blessings.
I’m so impressed by all the blogs written by women who have lost children that are so happy that their child is with Jesus. Don’t get me wrong. I have a certain level of comfort thinking about where Jessa is. That’s not where I want her right now. I’m selfish. I want to have my cake and eat it too with no sharing…but I don’t wasting time being angry.
I’ll end by saying I need to thank Ray. I don’t often enough. I’ve been a crazy, hormonal lunatic for the last 5 months. I would have made a normal person living in this house run screaming. I honestly don’t know how he puts up with me and all my neurosis most days. He keeps coming back for more. I do tease him not to be asking for a deployment anytime soon. I think he’s saving that up for a time when there are 4 hormonal ladies in his house.
I also have some suggested reading for anyone who is interested. Way back in Oct. when we lost Jessa, someone forwarded this blog site. Let me tell you, I love Amy. We’ve emailed each other a couple of times. She lost a son just before we lost Jessa. When her son was due, she was asked to speak about grief at her church. She posted her speech. It’s nothing short of amazing and uplifting. When you’re done with that, read the rest of her blog. I look for a post from her every morning just so I can get a giggle.