Ray has just left to deposit our houseguests at the airport. There is an eery calm falling on the house. I’m somehow not sure if it’s the calm before or after the storm. We’ve had a whirlwind couple of weeks. I’m still deciding if it was a blessing or a curse because I’ve let this last week of school with parties and gifts creep up on me like a man with a machete at a deserted summer camp in October. Scary stuff I tell you!

As I sit and think about all we did and all we experienced in the last couple of weeks, I’m finding it hard to find the words. Shocking I know. I’m missing my aloha. The sunshine and rainbows have left and I feel like there is a crushing weight on my chest. Grandma hosted the cookie decorating tonight and we weren’t there. I usually fuss and don’t want to carry on with the mess but for some reason right now it’s killing me. Here’s my thinking. I still feel the crushing blow of losing Tye. I am so worried about how Mom and Ned are getting through everything. I’m so far away phone calls are the only thing that I can do. I just want to be able to make it better. If I feel this crushing weight all the time, what on earth is it like for Mom? 

I know there are good days and bad days. I had a horrible moment this week that led to sleepless nights. Bria was playing with our neighbor at the park. Luci will turn three at the end of the month. Bria was holding her hand, showing her dangerous things to do and helping her climb slides. Luci’s mom said, “She would be such a great big sister. It must be hard to be the youngest.” She had no idea I already had visions in my head of Bria and Jessa playing on that playground. Bria isn’t the youngest. It’s hard to remember sometimes though because Jack isn’t big on playing with anyone these days. My heart lurched. There are still days when I ache trying to understand God’s plan and I never got to really know Jessa. How much more does my own mother ache?

It isn’t all bad. There are sweet notes tucked in Christmas cards and messages. I know just how much we’re loved and my kids are loved. It is just a hard season. Aren’t you glad I decided to blog again? I’m all sunshine and freakin’ rainbows over here. 

Seriously, there are lots of things to tell you about the last two weeks. There are presents to wrap and ahem purchase. There is candy to make and cookies to decorate. Excuse me while I put my big girl panties on. I’ll be back soon.