When you’ve been away for so long, where do you start? I guess it’s best if I just jump right in to the deep end. It’s a giant shock but things seem natural much faster. Right? Tell me the water isn’t too chilly! Here we go…

Over the three weeks that I spent in Kentucky, I found myself telling Ned “If you don’t use it, you lose it!” Wait, you didn’t know I was in Kentucky? That’s right. I haven’t been blogging. I was in Kentucky, then two wonderful days on a beach in Hawaii. Now I’m home…sleeping in my own bed, climbing Mount Washmore on a regular basis and desperately searching for my aloha. This is what happens when you don’t blog. You get off track easily trying to catch up. I think I may have lost it for a bit. Here we go…

I used to wake up with blog posts screaming to get out of my head. Even if it was just a paragraph. I almost craved sitting down at the computer. This was my creative outlet. I haven’t used it. I’ve lost it. Even two days on the beach and Bria being stuck by a Portuguese Man Of War wasn’t pulling me out of it. This is so unlike me. So, since we’ve been home I’ve been thinking about why.

Gran tried to tell me that if I didn’t have nice things to say I should just be quiet. THIS IS A PROBLEM. Just ask my mom. I’m not quiet. I like to be in control. In fact, I left Golo and was maybe feeling a bit out of control and threw a little hissy fit last night. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t fair. I wasn’t being fair. I promised Mom this morning that I would control my tongue. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m overstepping so I gripe to her and she just doesn’t need that right now. But I digress. 

Here’s a list of things that are on my mind all the time.

  • My stepdad has stage 4 cancer. 
  • My mom is the primary caregiver for a person with stage 4 cancer. 
  • I live literally a world away and feel like I should be closer to help.
  • My stepdad has stage 4 cancer. 
  • I want to suck the aloha out of Hawaii but I feel guilty when I do because there are people in my family dealing with all of this while I’m a world away. 
  • I have a teenage daughter and a tween. Boys are starting to creep around and cause havoc.
  • Jack’s delays are slightly better but the older he gets the more aware I am that he is severely delayed. He’s frustrated. I’m frustrated. Some of his behaviors are wearing on his sisters who were full of compassion when we got home. It’s totally understandable. They are wearing on me too. I constantly wonder if I’m not doing enough or worse if there is nothing that can be done. 
  • My stepdad has stage 4 cancer. 
  • I have friends going through things that I can’t even wrap my mind around. I want to help everyone. I often feel ill equipped to do anything. 
  • I have kids. I’m worried about everything.
    • Education
    • Peer pressure
    • Their spiritual life
    • Boys
    • Clothes
  • Tye’s death hangs over me. I don’t think Mom has had a moment to really grieve. I don’t even know if I have. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I still think about texting him. He would be getting the biggest kick out of Bria and Jack right now and yelling at the boys chasing Arleigh and Hanan. 
  • Where we’ll be moving…guilt about not being close to Mom…only a tad bit of guilt knowing I beg to stay right here…knowing my kids beg to go back to Virginia but it’s been so long I’m afraid it won’t meet there very HIGH expectations. Not knowing where we’ll be this time next year. 

You can sort of say I’ve had a lot on my mind. Plus I started my own business from home. www.initialoutfitters.net/brandistiff/ 

I guess I’ve had a hard time finding the happy lately. I didn’t have anything nice to say. I will admit that I’ve struggled with my faith. Mom is prayerfully hoping for a miracle. I’m just going to say it out loud. I know God is in the business of miracles. I’m having a hard time believing he’ll give me one. I told Mom while I was visiting, I felt so called to go out and bring Jack home. I had huge expectations that things would be hard. In fact, I thought they would be next to impossible but a little love and caring and good old American education and Jack would catch up with God’s help. That sounds really awful doesn’t it? I love Jack. I wouldn’t do things any differently. It boils down to the fact that my great expectations didn’t match God’s plan. I’m really okay with it. I’m aware that I needed the refining. I’m just having a hard time setting expectations that will likely be defeated again. I guess I’m having a hard time believing that God would choose that miracle for me. It’s okay because I know we have something bigger to look to. I’m babbling. Clearly, I’ve lost it. Do you get what I’m trying to say?

I guess I need to practice what I preach. I don’t want to lose the blog, it’s a history for my kids and their kids that will hopefully last a lifetime. Unfortunately for them I’m pretty good at documenting the good, the bad and the very ugly for them to remember forever. Then there is my own hot mess in my head. 

It’s time to find my aloha again. So here we go… I’m going to get back to (almost) daily posts.